Thursday, January 6, 2022

Too Many Problems Lingering and Occurring?

The people involved monitoring me in private went along when my parents were sick and died for 4 years, 2 years in a row each, and made me feel like I was "shit" and now are asking me "what the heck" happened, why I feel so negative and why I think they're a "failure" in too many important ways.

I've been quiet for awhile, but now I wonder if I my life is ruined.  They stopped me in my work like I needed to know something and think it's my fault if I feel I seem "shitty."  Then, if something went wrong, they went ballistic.  I was to blame ultimately.  I never really ruined anything.

Another thing, Cleveland is trying to be as bad as Orlando.  Their only good point is they aren't as socially inappropriate as Orlando.  I guess they only care about natives who grew up there-

They haven't helped me out.  I need to find a way to take out my anger from them, and they think it's over if I show any physical sign of anger if I'm upset with them at that point.

I think people just gave up on me because I had a hard time in Orlando and people found me out of place, like for spamming advice to my friends.  I just can't hear the end of it from them.

Other people don't get bugged like me, and supposedly it's my fault and not some side effect from the process people're going through.  They are a hopeless cause.  They promote "cancel culture."

All they do is try to tick me off and test me.  "Oh, Christina, if you get mad once you have to get mad again, and sometimes you feel mad when you're mad and your body many feel different or you may vent a bit and physically in some way.  We never took it back and you already did it, so it doesn't matter, yada yada yada ya."  Then, what?  Time for Cleveland to give it its worst?  They're better than me?  You just can't "hold it in?"  Huh.  I feel made fun of just for following them! and then I "lose my train of thought."

I'm not used to being able to have fun in the world, anymore.  I feel too weak.  I'm supposed to work.  I may need to resign from starting this job and find a higher paying one.

I didn't set myself up for this miserable situation.

So, supposedly, my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady is supposedly ruined to some effect.

The people involved monitoring me in private want to make things feel hopeless, and it makes me mad, too.

The people in this group home make me feel bad, and the people involved monitoring me in private don't care.  I'm still in trouble if the "result" is me thinking off or showing any physical sign of anger, even in private.  So, yea, I shouldn't even be in this situation, and it should be understandable they're so cruel to me.  I just can't turn them in, the police already know! and I don't want to give up my life.  They keep trying to make me feel like I'm "stupid" and "worthless" and that's what I'm speaking out against.  They think I'm the problem or people I care about who are "on the brink!"

I might have to resign from this position if possible and ask Ticket to Work.  Too bad about the money I've spent, but I've turned a new leaf.  I need a better suited job, maybe higher paying.  I would really like to move to an apartment.  This job is $11/hour.  I wonder if there's anything for me out there.

People out there are still destroying my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.  They are disgusting and "worthless."

I'm sick of me seen as so bad it being impossible, just saying that though, unsure how to fix it.  How did I end up like this?  My parents were sick and died and had nothing to leave me enough.

I'm so sick of Cleveland.  They aren't as nice as when I was here last.  Where can I go!!!!  What is this!!  It's like the world has to wait for me to die or something or make it so it is impossible for me to be happy.  I already said no one would want to live in a "halfway house," too.  It's like it's just one problem after the next.  I can be good for a long time and sustain with a lot of irritations, but sometimes it's just over.  They believe my thoughts are like being physically aggressive, but they are using their presence in that way.  Everyone is scared to be nice to me.  There are loud noises from below the attic here, too, the boys, and they keep bringing bad news! and it sets me off to the people involved monitoring me in private.  I feel made fun of for feeling they are uncomfortably close.  Same with a lot of others around Cleveland causing problems.

So, I thought this would help, but people may take this the wrong way.

People keep going by like I said something else and am menial.  They are being incredibly mean for little reason.  They wonder why I get mad, and the problems don't disappear or go away.  I don't like living in a "halfway house" and am not out yet!  I'm just saying.  It's just a fact.  My roommate is also moving out and I may get another one.

Why didn't I just get a job?  I was encouraged before to move to a group home, but this is a "halfway house."

I seem to need good food and sleep.  My next chance is Ticket to Work.

I forget what else I was gonna say...  Oh, yes, something like what I'm saying is my doing the right thing? something like that.  People are wrong to me.

They just keep making it worse.  So, I do have some real problems.  It's like it may be too late and I have to worry about stuff.  It's hard to think like I want and I'm kinda doing that right now.

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