Sunday, February 21, 2021

Showing Off

Music has become a tool to shine too much light on strangely expressionless toddlers and technically virtuosic Asians.

Not Cool Racially

People used to accept me as a Mixed White, but now they think I'm in trouble and pretend I'm not cool racially.

This One Last Fling

...before I move on...

Look around at more appropriate daily clothes etc.  Huzzah!

The Cleaning

I've done a lot of it and through the years.  I don't remember what all exactly there was to throw out.  I have not much now other than what I told you.  I'm ready to move out to a group home or wherever I can.

Racism on Display

People formed a procession/show of how people can seem better racially as full whites compared to me, who loves being white or anything.

Life Is Strange!

You don't have to "get it over with," strange feelings.

Learned Behavior

People learned to not be afraid to be bad.


Instead of discussing racism, people will claim it is nonexistent.


People and my teachers have said seriously etc. and helplessly that the worst thing you can do to someone is ignore them.

People lose it psychologically if they meet someone who is not all white racially.  They will say everything is fine.

Toss Up

I want to move to Germany, but, if I want to move without a job for 6 months, I'm supposed to have some bachelor's degree.  I don't know any other way that would work for me, unless I can get a job, first.

I wanted to be a musician, but I had to quit a long time ago and am at least just doing it for fun, now.  So, I can't count on that.

I am worried if I got a job I may never be good at music or figure out what to do instead in college somehow.  Also, we're depending on that I get free living from SSI or veteran's dependency, which if I left Florida I'd have to reapply regarding the SSI.  I did see they have those things in Germany, now...  I'll have to make a $90 call and ask all my questions, in 1/2 hour.


Do people think being cheap or making compromises is nifty?

"Plain and Simple"

Maybe, I thought being too "amazing" would be dangerous?


It's sad you have to be a pro to say anything with music, when it's just for fun and can even be a pain for some people, in different ways (not liking music or it being hard to understand/play.)  Then, why is it about strangely expressionless toddlers and technical virtuoso Asians?

Is it worth putting yourself out there?

Is it worth putting yourself out there if you're better than most famous people but not as much a match against other non-famous people?


A psychologist's trademark is that the answer is actually "no."

A Thorough Job

I cleaned almost everything I have, this time getting rid of almost everything it seems because I might be moving to a group home.

I saved my violins, my flute, my piccolo, my music books, my German learning books, and some classical CDs I like.

I threw out my hair accessories except the black ones like pony tail holders and pins.  I even threw out the children's dresses I got, figure they're just in the way.  I may do a sweep of my clothes and get some more appropriate ones, like $6 long sleeve shirts at Rainbow.  My dad had been saying I need to get rid of clothes.  There's always the idea I get polo shirts and sweaters.  I have 10 black pants, well one went missing when my aunt went to hem a few.  I have like 8 or 9 nice jeans.  I have a few non-uniform-ish things, too.  I'm just so happy I finally did it.  I can compress a bit more, too.  Now, most of what I use is in 2 boxes, one for what I use and one for things I store like documents, which aren't many.  I bought a bunch of stuff with the stimulus check in the end, and I seem to have returned or gotten rid of most of it, including the children's dresses, also coffee making things.  I already got rid of my DVDs and CDs the other day.  I have some books with passwords, too, these past 12 years online, some already unfortunately recklessly thrown out.  I got rid of a bunch of things I use like for hair and junk from makeup.  I sadly got rid of beaucoup art papers to draw or paint on.  I can't see that baggage coming with me.  I draw on typing paper and have colored pencils, though.  I also have I think like 100 colored sparkly gel pens in a nice case I got.  I only have minimal things otherwise.  Some of this process was very nostalgic.  I even took apart a huge DIY shelf.  My room feels empty and meditative, good feng shui.

So, mainly, I have musical instruments, music books, learning German books, and a few favorite classical CDs.

I've got a MacBook Air and Chromebook, too.  I might get rid of more furniture and like I said redo my wardrobe.  I was gonna wear children's dresses, but it's too much of a waste.  I mean, normally, I wouldn't wear them, possibly.  I need more appropriate clothes.  Maybe, I'll do some window shopping online now and post online.  Looks like a good day's work and maybe time for supper.  I do have my old hamster who may die.  I ordered a more compact cage that never came in, too.

I get about $780+/month.  I plan to save as much as possible and concentrate on good food as a diabetic, too.  I have no car now, so if I want to eat out might take the buses or order it.  My goal is to get off the diabetes and cholesterol pills.  I have some vibrating, pulsing, trembling, and shaking from a dislocated ankle/foot, and it affected more of my body.  It was from driving, when I flex my foot awkwardly on the break pedal.  I haven't driven much for over 15 years.  I started again this past year and got ot being comfortable on I4.  This month, $100 went to fixing my messed up hair, dying and cutting.  I don't know where the rest went.  It seems some better prospects for this month.  I can't wait until I'm totally done cleaning, hopefully soon.  I may have more time and focus without cleaning in the way, may even get a job.  I'm also still trying to get better at violin, even if just for myself.  I would love to be a pro musician.  I even majored in music but had to quit...  I did feel temptations as better prospects of becoming an actress first or singer.  I figured I could even get private ballet training with the money or learn organ again.  I get confused with what's better for someone like me, piano or violin.  I did piano first, though.  Well, I got to start singing when I was 5 by myself.  A lot of people never get to play music/piano like they want..  I guess piano is a private pleasure, strangely, just not always that symphonic!  I did get rid of my keyboard, which came broken and was cheap, anyway.


Ill Feelings

People have been trained to feel inadequate and rebellious.