I'm sorta waiting for lunch and then will go to the bank, the gym, and Wal-Mart. I may be able to eat lunch now.
Friday, December 31, 2021
I want to take a shower but feel reluctant and unsure of why. I should go to the bank, the gym, and Wal-Mart, by bus. I plan to go after we get fed a sandwich and probably pasta. Oops, I have to get my pills, too. Just thinking/meditating. I know I wanted to use my hair and face masks next shower or tonight's shower. I really want to do that tonight.
I just cleaned my room and can decide if I should keep $28 or so of art supplies, just Crayola crayons and colored pencils, a $7 pink sketchbook that looks like a book or journal, and a $2 sharpener for the colored pencils.
I am getting snacks and not eating out as much, fast food. I had to lock it in a box in the group home in my room so it doesn't get stolen. I got double mocha mix, chocolate & granola bars, and mega stuffed Oreos. Like at home, I don't always get served something I like much. Someday, I will get out of this.
Thursday, December 30, 2021
People like to slam it in there that they're "right" and not say why. Racism.
Wednesday, December 29, 2021
Usually, social change happens in steps and is already present and happens naturally.
It's not some far fetched idea without a base or steps present. It's already there, and you rearrange things and add things and get rid of things.
Not focusing on my leaping to what I'm told.. but that others "have" to change and otherwise would remain completely static. The material is there and easy to move!
People are being suggestive that I'm not open to others to make them feel good if they want me to and being suggestive in the shadows, lurking, and closing in ... to tell me in a slight attitude that all I gained in the world was the world and my special "relationship" with a Late Baby Boomer European lady is null and void and all goes to her and it's like she changes on me with messages in and out through other people throughout the day, all seeming to say she's punishing me by putting herself in the line of limelight to gather all the stimulation but that it's "just for her" and I can get in trouble and cause suffering to myself a lot, like there's nothing to do..
People try to cheer me up if I get an "issue" or "hurt" from someone else, but they were already "in the way" in some way to begin with which is what makes it funny.
They hide from me how good other people have it. They sorta realize I'm pretty in some good way and toss out respect or interest of it and slyly try to exchange my personal successes and good fortune with others for whatever reason they are not as fortunate, but that wouldn't "fly" "back in the day." You know, "Oh, my father was a certain way and it's not my fault, but you Christina your dad is a certain way and it matters for you.." Or, "I didn't get to grow up as you did, and I'm not really as good-looking so that means it's your fault and I get everything and you get nothing and deserve to suffer what I've been suffering, brought upon by myself, others, or by accident."
People need to stop clashing me with people they're jealous about others getting attention from. Bad things happen, like cancer. I can feel it coming in some way that's not my fault, at least the idea of it. I can stop the channel sometimes, but I feel it, that stress and curse.
Maybe, the people monitoring me in private want me to accept this place is bad or "stupid." "It's not good enough" and bad, even.
Why would you tear someone good down in front of me like an apology and I know later flare out with issues and make a big deal of nothing.
Tuesday, December 28, 2021
I'm thinking of going to KFC for the sandwich and then to Cinnabon, tomorrow. I may spend like $10.
I went to Cinnabon maybe yesterday, and I didn't get my extra frosting!
Yesterday, I had Japanese seafood bone soup, great stuff, mostly the bone and whatever liquid with a few "veggies" and a few seafood (shrimp and shellfish.) Recently, I had Chinese, in Little Italy. I like it, but I'm craving this variety. I've been to Taco Bell a few times, too.
I've been exercising well, too, mostly treadmill. I just did the maybe near 30 minute intermediate-advanced stretching. I don't think I'm visiting the gym, tomorrow. I still feel a lag. The stretching takes strength to support yourself.
My powdered cappuccino doesn't taste as sweet, anymore.
Someone finished off my donated frozen fish nuggets, which tasted a bit bad.
I already had PB.
Maybe, the canned fruit I got from a food pantry is healthy? Mushroom soup.
Since I don't have roommate, maybe I can get some "munchies." It seems she was the thief, but I thought I saw a ghost do it.
So, people can do a lot to make things right and be good, for example like my relatives mostly. Then, we meet more distant relatives and other people, and, for some reason, they don't like us. It's because they just like people who dis us because it settles their "jealousy" or inadequacy, even though the people who dis us didn't do anything all along in the process to deserve it. How does my life go wrong like this?
I worked hard not to be able to have people try to humiliate me. Like, people act like, if something goes wrong, they have to give me something to make me feel bad when they "just have to" take it away. Like, I'm the loser and like I didn't give someone else a turn.
You may be presenting new characters, people "what have you." They are acting like it shouldn't bother me, only to reveal "ill feelings" towards me ultimately. What a refresher? I'm a loser? You waited for it to get exciting and made your move, like of course I'm in trouble when I'm like the best well-behaved person around! Then, you act like I'm merely a receiver and have nothing to offer. You keep glossing over that people are messed up from the 80s still and think that means you're all that but that different people aren't good enough.
Monday, December 27, 2021
Friday, December 24, 2021
Caucasians from Orlando are nasty and "unintelligent." It's serious, and they can't seep into their community as a culture.
Maybe, they are addicted and want to stir culture. They may also feel shame for their personal, emotional lives. They probably wouldn't fit in Up North in ways I do.
Disclaimer: In using the label "Caucasians," I do not mean anything bad/racist.
Do you think being mean to people when they are upset only makes it worse and not good as some test to eradicate the issue, "so-to-speak?"
Why is it seen as okay to be mean to some people, like me? It can cause issues, and I'm not even the one who thinks it's a problem.
Did you know every New Year is a trap simply for me to think of something embarrassing... because someone else in a lofty disposition does it. It's an "invitation" waiting to happen.
People think I have to collect these things in stride to take over my life to death.
People are just "out to get" a certain someone, and it's obvious.
"Why not?" they think if other people have problems. "Misery loves company."
Some racists must have let them take over. These racists and mean people are just trouble and need to be eliminated from such a social scene.
Sometimes, it's too late when I realize these things, but "that's history." It's not my fault.
People like to hone in, survey a popular and broad situation, and bring out a message of controversy like bringing it up is an okay selfish point and pretending its urgency is truth. They want the message to sink in. It can become recurrent and ruin life, at least for some who suffer its effects for some reason, as things seem to come up naturally and when things seem too good for good people who end up suffering from this.
I feel like there's a tracker on me so people can make their kids ruin my life, like I'm behind... As soon as I get a job, my freedom will end.
People think I am bad for sending my friends list advice in 2007/2008 when very lonely, and they took over the world and I don't really "give a care." They just keep going, trying to insult me and think it affects me. Other things happened, like me feeling upset talking to some, and they think it's out of line and to dictate how life is.
African Americans in some places are out of control.
They will "make their move" at critically vulnerable times.
These African Americans sport an attitude and give an example of "stupidity," unfortunately.
People need to stop acting like others like me need to be sensitively vulnerable to them to a point of fault. I don't know what's wrong with Cleveland. They seem set apart from some of the other states, like they haven't been able to process the basics of life needed to function socially. If you have a problem with their African Americans, they just say try harder to please them. Cleveland is just as racist as any city or state. They use their African Americans against you, as well as hurting you as a way of feeding the underdogs of their city area. They seem to be in a point of feeling important and are afraid of "the next step." It's too bad it's just not America's problem. America has hit the snooze, regarding these social needs, wallowing in their own poor holistic status, holding out and being nice to people for mean reasons, like being racist to people who they think have it too good or who they are jealous of, like they have to say if it was up to them they'd be able to control how others are and that some just deserve to suffer for no reason. The African Americans in the area seem to like to "put on a show," not saying this in an offensive way though, and when nothing seems wrong strike up an attitude with you and refuse to connect appropriately if they do connect, in certain ways.
Disclaimer: I said a lot about what I suffer living in a group home in an African American community in Ohio. I am not racist, however, just explaining nicely and appropriately something important to address. Some people think if you mention anything about or recognize any race, that you're saying something bad, but that's what's needed to eradicate and eliminate racism from being effective. I also know some people can be mean and confusing and say talking about anything too personal, intimate, or specific socially, especially if about a stressful situation that needs to be thought out and talked out, and think it's mean and considered a "gossip" chain or message. This is also a way to prevent interaction in deep thoughts, and it's wrong and too silly and causes big problems they keep denying. America is like "the tower of Babel," and it could be destroyed like the dinosaurs.
Thursday, December 23, 2021
My room is rather a mess, and I am feeling pulled from cleaning it, for some, normal reason. I'll probably get up in a bit. Hey, you know, I borrowed 3 violin books and one is for Christmas. One is a nice lesson book. The other I've not been able to find with scales and arpeggiations, a great one at a good level and progression, goes up to playing double stops.
Wednesday, December 22, 2021
It's strange how people in desired positions or popular posts like to base life on those who may tend to stir trouble.
Doesn't that account for a lot? in general. Fame itself is only a few short moments of intensity, life is still life. I'm not the one complaining. Others make things along the way catastrophic, ultimately and essentially to get attention. So, others care about a journey and things go wrong, but I'm willing to look over the minor instances.
So, I'm saying sometimes big, unexplainable "things" happen. Someone you can trust may change and say it's all about someone else's resulting reflex or few words. Then, the world seems to shut down. For instance, people care more about the children of people born around 1960 and/or if they are born around 1995-2002? Maybe, they don't even really do anything or give answers.
I am led to wonder why some people want to test the limits of fame and see how it affects a person, but why not themselves sometimes / in some cases? Can it be a good thing OR a bad thing? They may already have all of what they need to be famous in some things, which if they didn't have it ... may not have.