Monday, June 14, 2021

Downhill ? Again

I find it pathetic because of something I thought and felt in private that people are "off" thinking I "submitted" to something that can't even support me, holistically, it feels now..  ­čś×  Not trying to complain..  I forget what I was going to say.  Things just don't seem to go smoothly with me.  Oh, yes, in fact, I have to make agreements.  I just feel so bothered by people out there in stressful situations, mostly Black, and how the people monitoring me in private talk to me at home every time the computer loads and in the end I'm too tired to practice violin, a laborious activity.  Also, why didn't I also escape community problems when I left Orlando??  It's like everyone has everything in place, too, as a person, but what about me?  I imagine others are abusing me, when nothing could happen or not, a problem when I came to Orlando, a hostile and proud yet crappy area.  The people there do nothing, many.  I just didn't make it. The weather here is so nice.  So, about the original topic, I just seem to be in a weird situation, like I did something wrong.  I often seem to wonder about and post about it, how people see me as a person or can't I guess.  Oh well.  It's a big part of my life here, though.  I just didn't like sitting here not telling anyone or something..  It's maybe not so bad with me safe here in my room now, except with the people monitoring me in private having a hard time or something or having their decisions while I've wasted my life, unable to relax unless I lie there and do nothing with my earplugs in, with the sorta loud fan on.

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