Monday, July 9, 2018

What's Going On

I am frustrated I've run out of steam for math.  I think 7 more classes.  I can do class, but the homework was hard.  It's 30 sections, 2 sections per test, 3 - 5 questions per 1 of the two 30 sections ... if you get one wrong, you go back one problem within the section until you do enough in a row right.

I'm somewhat excited about making a better speech this time.   We have to study harder for our test.

We have exams, too.

I feel like my life could seem like a  stump with nothing left to look forward to, in certain ways.  I feel like maybe people are blaming me for not being better than I am, and it's like I'm confused.  I feel withdrawn from people, in a way.  Whoops!  Something always goes wrong for me socially.  People get confused and I get in dire straights, socially.

I'm so happy for the Freiburger Barockorchester.  I noticed at least 3 or 4 young people do significant things that seemed to stand out.  One is 2nd chair and I think I am most compatible with her.  She looks so young and sweet, but she's taller than me.  I mean, they all seem strict socially, but she's certainly fit for the part.  I'm so happy.  I used to want to be 2nd chair.  I don't want to be too close to whoever the concert master is, though, I guess.  It's funny how you see them go when only the concert master looks good, maybe sometimes.

I have a mystery class, which 1st I thought I would drop and 2nd class were not there.  I have to make an appeal for more financial aid because of this, probably, unless they really skipped a class for the day before July 4th maybe.

Am I connected to someone suffering?  What can I do?  Some people are mean to people who are nice to me, like a consistent game going around.  It's like, yea I don't need people, but if I do ever talk to someone I will be blocked, sometimes it feels.  I don't know; I get in trouble in illegitimate ways.  I get picked on as an individual and singled out from everyone else just to suffer stupidity.  People recognize the people or things important to me and focus on that, like a game, like they have to take it away a lot.

I feel bad about not going to movies because I feel it's a bad experience, even if I want to see the show.  Also, money is tight.  Even if it's one show and snacks, it's not fun anymore.  Movies are different, of course, shedding more light on that fact.

I'm trying different ways to keep from getting in trouble, but it seems the problems have intensified.  Basically, people are mean to me and I lose things socially if I feel upset.  Now, who would think something like that makes sense?

I'm not lonely but a loner.

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