Friday, July 13, 2018

I am having a hard time feeling good.  I feel like I am being brought down.  I wonder if I am depressed.  I usually come on okay, but now it's hard.  If I come on okay, others don't still to me but to others.  I feel like I'm "being too nice" to the wrong people; I want to have a good time.

I know, too, everyone thinks I am bad and are onto important parts of my private life.  That's all I feel in the world.

I know it's hard for me to sleep sometimes and sometimes hard for me to wake up.  I'm used to pushing it.

I could have a nice life, but people act like my life is over.

I feel out of shape or something and need to find a way to fix that faster.  I already usually jog 1/2 hour a day outside and try to fit in enough 5-minute core workouts, which strain me.  Maybe, I should have known I needed more exercise in high school.  I was already the top female in physical fitness in JROTC in high school, I think, because I did cross country.  I feel I need to be very physically active to be up to par.  I have to run, I have to stretch, etc.  I know I didn't exercise much in 2008-2009 and had gained weight a bit earlier because of college or pushing my diet too much before and getting hungry.  So, I dunno, I just feel bad as a person, just here myself.  I should tweak my Fall 2018 schedule and am waiting to hear from one college.

I feel inclined to wanna socialize, but with the people monitoring me in private and how people feel about me because of it, I feel sorta out of whack.  I feel no one has cared about me.  I get told I am bad if I want anything socially.  Life has become a bit pointless.  I don't even really tell people what I want socially.  Sirens go off when I feel sad socially, like it's "not allowed."  My life is so miserable.  I don't like some things socially about it and how I turned out.  I have money problems.

Also, I have a "relationship" with an older lady people keep trying to ruin, saying I "don't deserve it" and instead being coy about her like she needs to be badly and inappropriately stimulated to ruin our "relationship."  It's a big thing, and people are constantly turned on about it.  They act like they know I'm better than people say, but I'm just something to dispose of, in their opinion, like they can have that done.

I actually figured out my new college major when I was 29, so that shows how unsolved my life might have been.  I don't know why all these problems and not a smooth transition, still.

I don't know if people should be all up in my life, like they can, like they think I'm up to no good otherwise.  Life is so strange since I lived in the Orlando / Central Florida area, awhile.

I'm feeling sabotaged.

I found that people think I'm "not all that" now, for some reason, like I've been exploited.  I was looking forward to a nice life.

I guess you grow up and go to college and get a job and then have your own home and do you exciting things like Facebook networking, where you can show off your picture or get online and blog too.

It's too bad.  Me having a nice life isn't impossible.  Sure, I've changed goals a lot.  I gained a lot along the way, though.  I am taking a break from hectic things, though.  So, that makes me more peaceful feeling.

I thought I'd go not saying anything suggestive about my "relationship" involving an older lady I like between other people, it seems..  I wonder if "it's cool" or if there's anything to say concerned about to fix by talking.

I know people are superstitious about my feeling "off."

People, like involved being monitored in private, act like I can feel okay around them, but I get tired of squeezing in thoughts that I know they don't have to do this for me.

It seems like my public life is running into run down black people on the bus, and they don't listen to me.  It's a little weird.  They are so insistent of some things, kinda in an Asian way, about how you should be.  I think it's their dark skin they meditate on, too, though.

Then, there's school and segregated sentiments.

I am kinda sad at the problems that enter my life between an older lady I like and I.  Everyone is always obsessing over her.  I can't forget it and I feel lonely as a person in other ways.

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