Thursday, July 5, 2018

1 Question and More

Well, I have 1 question, now.  Is me suffering from an older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with ... being exploited and in a certain way being "over" or "on top of" me ... justified to the people who have "given" in my life?

The older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with "telepathically" or symbolically/secretly seems to have said the only hint in a warning is that it's unimportant that the fame I have had means what it used to because it just makes her uncomfortable about being heavily exploited herself.

However, it seems I am in trouble in other ways, concerning her, stemming from the fact that this simply doesn't seem to be ideal but then again I let her have what is best for her socially, after some unavoided confusion constantly invading my world.  It's like the fact I couldn't see it as okay what other people did to ruin it ... is why.  I don't blame her and if she likes it I'm happy.  It seems like I don't matter like most other people in general, probably because I have non-Caucasian blood significantly.

I guess another thing that came to mind is that people have started to use the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with to say I'm not all that and make it a big deal that she is better than me in certain ways, significantly.  First, I was prestigious; meet her, I'm not because other people did that.  All those people act like her Oompa Loompas as their excuse for how they are, but they used to look up to me.

Also, I've had some hard times but haven't just changed into a bad person.  I am sorry for things I did when I thought no one kept track of me.  I had a bad environment, the Orlando / "Central Florida" area.  It wasn't anything that bad and I didn't start the problems or on purpose.  It can be seen as horrific, though, which is what/why.  People know my personal life and were threatened to hurt me.  People who help me have already ruined my life, some of them, too.  No one cares because it's not about what they are doing.  They think subconsciously that I do nothing.

So, what is it about the weird "half ass" ways people insist they are into repetitively infusing the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with.  They know other people, but they chose to affect her in some good ways and some bad ways, but the bad ways are important too.

I'm getting that I'm put out there to be rejected, according to things like culture.  It was inviting, and I'm a good person with a hard life and no one cares but acts like I am just annoying or am hopeless anyway because of others of what the past has instilled in me or my environment.

If I used to be liked in fame and still am by the top, I am having a hard time figuring if the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" should be.  It was glorious for me.  I know she has to say no, like I said people don't have to do anything for me, but now she knows people will do it for her anyway and she sorta goes through seemingly ideas of "guilt" cycles about how I was put down for her sake, when she was such a nice person and  still is.  Simply, she can't talk to me in certain ways like before because of this.  I've been abused with people doing this for over year, hating on me, acting like she's being horrifically inappropriately stimulated.  People could do this for others, but they chose to do this for me.  I'm big on that.  I have that ingrained, in me, now.  I mean that fame people have, but it's what kind of fame it is.

I'm being abused to want the relationship, like this is what I deserve.

People are acting like they can be mean to me still because they think the pressure the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with means she has to act more cold to me concerning me.

I found someone I was interested in, and I am told I was bad to think I could still have a "relationship" with the older person I "look up to."  I thought I was in trouble for thinking of her of then, too, like I should not robotically think of her just to be insistent, like it wasn't real feelings.  I assumed that means I should have fun with the other person... which would mean I was still in the "relationship," except I lost faith in something we had in common that was hopeless to me too, like that was a dividing factor I guess too.  So, I am guilty of leaving the older person I "look up to" I have a "relationship" with, like it or not.  I was a bit stressed from the fighting with others involving knowing her, so that was also offensive to think.  I do have problems with such weird things or things I am not competent in.  So, I feel that might have stopped a good time, what I did when I left for awhile and was with someone else socially.

I feel people are telling me I'm not worth much anyway but this person is just being nice to me and is someone everyone wants because it's me or because they want her away from me.

People are "admitting" I'm not that good and just in the way and they want what I have in life.  The older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with is literally in the position of modesty where people do things for her anyway and everyone climbs on the bandwagon, thinking I am in trouble.  It's like they can jump into love and I can't.  I haven't really been too pressuring.  It's like people wanted me out all along, and I never said anyone had to do anything for me.

It is important to me, though.  People want to act like they are in need for the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with.  It's valuable.  Why are they saying a person I like I have a "relationship" with doesn't matter to me because they don't have it but now say it's their turn for good.  People push me to get out there so they can say they are right just because they can say I am wrong, when it's untrue and they think it's the new, better way.

People are literally saying I can't talk to who I want to.

People are pushing me to other people out there, and they have a new person for them as a whole, whoever I like and could have had a "relationship" with.

People are just tossing me around and trying to compensate me.

If people want me to be with other people instead, why don't they?  It makes more sense.  It's what more people want.  I am also well-rounded and reasonable.  No one has to do anything for me nor be with me.  You just  naturally meet people to whatever degree.

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